the water we swim in

Recently, I was talking with a very dear and trusted friend and fellow coach about the inherent challenge in learning to hold two seemingly opposite sets of feelings about the same thing, person, situation or experience. Her response immediately provided a broader context for my growing awareness. She said, “It’s the water we swim in, right?” We are not necessarily shown that the “both and” is an ok place to be with anything. In fact, we are taught that the “either or” is the way forward.

After a brief pause, I realized just how profound her response was. Here we are, in this crazy time in our human history, seeking to find a way forward that is peaceful, loving and mutually supportive of all…and holding opposite feelings or perspectives is generally not what we are taught to realize as normal. Somehow we learn that we have to choose one feeling or the other feeling…as if the two, on balance cannot truly co-exist. Perhaps this isn’t as true for you as it has been for me…for my whole life! And perhaps it is also true that our collective reluctance to hear or see those who are different or hold different beliefs than we do may be rooted in this “either or” culture we live in and unconsciously perpetuate.

Full disclosure…my sun sign is Libra and I have a Libra stellium (Sun, Jupiter and Mars) in the 12th house. Yep…a LOT of Libra!! So, my tendency to live the extremes is well entrenched. Throwing the “baby out with the bath water” isn’t an uncommon way to describe the ways I can be extreme in my behavior and choices. Learning to moderate this part of my being –  slowing down or completely standing down, when I feel that overwhelming need to move quickly in one direction – has been an interesting process over these years. Many believe that we Librans are balanced by nature. Nope! We are learning balance!

“What is behind your eyes holds more power than what is in front of them.”

– Gary Zukav

What I have found to be true with my habit of believing that I must choose one feeling or perspective over the other is that I begin to tell myself a story about my present situation or growing dilemma. It’s as if I force myself to choose one side of the apparent dilemma and create a story that is supposed to make the choice alright. Except it no longer works for me. I have begun to see and feel the discomfort and outright suffering that I have created for myself all of these years.

“Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.”

– Epictetus

If none of this is making sense, here is an example.

About a year ago, I relocated back to a place I left in 2016. I left rather quickly after the sale of my home. I had always wished to return and it took more than two years and an evacuation for a hurricane to facilitate my return. I had a home built. It was ready in four months. When I moved in, there were multiple issues which were completely unexpected – one was potentially life threatening. I was so grateful to be back in Virginia and I did NOT like my new home. I tried. I really tried to fall in love with it. It wasn’t happening. For months, I attempted to convince myself that it was fine. After all I was back in the place I wished to live and I further told myself I just needed to get over it. That wasn’t happening either. Late in the afternoon one day last Fall, I admitted out loud – I heard myself say it – that I was so very happy to be back here and the house just wasn’t where I wished to live. In that moment, I realized how the creation of a story had trapped me –  in a place within – in which I was miserable. More importantly, I became aware of the reality of choosing one side or the other side of a dilemma (“either or” thinking), over the realization that both can be true and can co-exist (“both and” perspective). Since that moment, I’ve opened my heart and mind to the possibility of moving again as soon as the right place become available or apparent.

A weight was lifted in that moment, too. A weight that I had placed on myself (and was quite good at doing for many, many years) was no longer there…and I lifted it myself!

The water we swim in can be dark and murky or it can be clearer and easier to navigate. As I have said many times, perspective is everything.

“The moment you change your perception, is the moment you rewrite the chemistry of your body.”

– Dr. Bruce H. Lipton

courage and it’s companion – pain

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

 – Socrates

I watched and listened to and Demi Lovato’s performance on the Grammy Awards the day following the performance. Listening to the lyrics, the simple music accompanying her voice, and feeling the depth of the emotions as she sang, transported me back to a time in my life when I felt the isolation, desperation, and separation that she so courageously expressed in her performance. Her very survival of an overdose and the subsequent bare honesty with which she expresses her feelings in that song, written prior to that event, are worth our compassion and reflection.

I was recently talking with someone about addiction. Although I believe, as Richard Rohr has asserted and discussed in a recent series in his Daily Meditations, all are addicted to something (habits of minds, ways of doing things, substances, a job, etc.*), the conversation was about nicotine. At one point in the conversation it was asserted by the person with whom I was speaking that I couldn’t possibly understand addiction and that reading a certain book might help me better understand it. As I continued to reflect on this conversation, I recalled Ms. Lovato’s poignant performance, and my experience that many people don’t understand depression, either.

It’s easy to look at someone like her and think that perhaps she “has it all” and wonder how could she possibly find herself in such a dark place. I’m quite certain there are many who knew me during the period in my life and might have had similar thoughts, had they known of my condition at the time. Even those closest to me didn’t understand. I was quite adept at being the person I thought I had to be to remain successful in performing my job responsibilities and parenting my children.

I write today to remind everyone that we have no idea what is going on in someone – anyone – else’s life. Even those we may live with or are closest to day-to-day may be struggling within themselves with thoughts, feelings and forces unknown to those of us who are “on the outside”.  Can’t we begin to extend that kind of awareness to everyone we see, pass on the street when we are walking, or observe doing something seemingly unconscious behind the wheel of a vehicle?  A practice of compassion and acceptance can go a very long way in our very divided world. In fact it can, quite literally, change it!

We tend to judge, often harshly, those who are different or behave in ways that we don’t understand or necessarily appreciate. And yet, if we were watching ourselves in those moments of judging others, I wonder how we might feel about the person we are watching.  I feel it is so very important to remember that we are all walking the same ground on this planet at this time.

The complexities of living in this world – different places and societies  – cannot be understated. Addiction and depression have their roots in our attempts to “fit in” to what we have been shown or taught is the “way to be” if we are to survive or get ahead. Living up to what becomes our individual expectations of ourselves can be, and often are, impossible. This, by itself, is a sad commentary on who we are collectively, isn’t it?

The courage to be the beautiful individual that each of us is, is something that some of us seem to have more of than others. And then again…do they really? Or are they trying to make it appear that they do…as I did and so many of us try to do. Often it takes a crisis for us to wake up to our true and authentic selves and begin living fully into who we are, without fear.

May we practice a deeper approach to offering kindness to every single person we encounter in our journey of each day. May we also remember that each of us has impact – with every word, and in our behavior – on the whole of our experience. Choose to be negative, judgmental – that is a contribution. Choose to be positive, kind – that is a contribution.

If you didn’t see Demi Lovato’s performance at the Grammy Awards Sunday evening or online since, see if you can sit quietly and listen deeply and then check in with yourself to see how you feel. You can also see the video embedded in a well written piece on the performance in an article published at The Atlantic.

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.

 – Chief Seattle

*these represent my interpretations of what Fr. Rohr intimated in his series on addictions.

reflections on innocence…lost

See the world with the innocence of children.
Approach the world with the daring of children.
Love the world with the readiness of children.
Heal the world with the purity of children.
Change the world with the wisdom of children.

– Neale Donald Walsch

There are many terrified children all around us. You will know them by the adult suits they are wearing. Their behavior is an observable verification of their terror. Anger and condescension indicate a deep fear within. They are over-compensating as a cover for the beliefs that they are unprepared, unworthy, and simply aren’t good enough or don’t have all they believe they need, to be successful where they are.

They are defensive and reactive. Everything is a crisis which must be tended to and fixed…right now.

They come across as confident and in control when deep inside they are unsure of themselves, and everything – in their minds – is completely out of control.

What do these people need?

They need to be seen and heard for who they really are…deep down inside. They need a steady, open-hearted soul as a partner in this moment; a compassionate listener who can softly and comfortably hold the space while listening to them, allowing them to be who they truly are – wounded, scared. This melting process – the shedding of armor – takes time. This isn’t easy work…and it is necessary for living the full life that each soul has the opportunity to live.

The reward for engaging this process of self rediscovery? More joy; awakening to a sense of inner calm, and peace; acceptance of life – as it is; an open, loving heart; and the realization that love is all there is. It is in there – in our hearts – waiting for us to re-discover the innocence long lost to the many beliefs and experiences which resulted in our losing ourselves.

How is the child within you? Does he/she feel loved, valued, nurtured, cared for and accepted? Is she/he free to play or explore new horizons, or dream about the endless possibilities that life offers?

Or

Does he/she feel unloved, undervalued, isolated and forgotten? Has she/he distracted him/herself from the simple acts of dreaming, creating and seeing myriad possibilities?

We are living in such extraordinary times. All are needed. In healing ourselves, we add to the essential healing of our planet and all of its inhabitants. This is the work of our lives.

Will we be a part of the healing solution? Or will we put our heads down and hope it all goes away? (It won’t.)

 

“We not only need to have a deep respect for children; but also a deep respect for the child in everyone.”
C. JoyBell C.

 

What do you need for yourself?

 

blind loyalty

Blind loyalty is just that….BLIND.

Open. Your. Eyes.

Question EVERYTHING.

Taking NOTHING at face value.

Be still.

Dig DEEP.

Ask your heart.

Listen to your intuition.

Trust yourself first, then your trust of others will not be misplaced.

(written in Spring, 2016)

*If seeking for answers outside of yourself is more more of a habit than deep listening, observing, and researching, be diligent. Do your own research. Do not rely on shortcuts and the beliefs at the core of others’ projections in various media for your answers, or what you might consider to be the “right” answer. Ask yourself, are these shallow perspectives? Go deeper. Look beyond. Your answers will eventually resonate through your awareness and the alignment with who you are. Your feelings will tell you.

Don’t like the answer? Go deeper. Ask yourself, “Who am I”? And isn’t that the most important question at the core of everything you believe, see, feel and act upon?

Blind loyalty – the ultimate surrender of personal power to another human being.

an invitation in the new year

What a man takes in by contemplation, that he pours out in love.

 – Meister Eckhart

As I watch the first snow of the season fall from the sky, I cannot help reflecting on the beauty of it and what it compels us to do, if we will allow it – to slow down, breathe, observe and reflect/contemplate.

The snow is quiet. It falls ever so softly from the clouds above. And yet, the planet it falls upon is anything but soft and quiet. This juxtaposition gives me pause…as I seek to stay out of despair. Compassion for the worst behaviors among our fellow humans is, at times, extremely tough to dig for and offer. Yet, these are the moments and places that call to me from the wounds within – the places which are still hurting; the places where perhaps traces of grief, unprocessed, still exist.

As I continue to cultivate my inner observer, I’ve begun to notice a few things that I wish to offer here…with an invitation for you to consider their meaning, from your perspective or experience. Comments are always welcome, and I believe that the more we explore together – which this medium allows us to do without being in the same room – the more we learn with the possibility of evolving our perspectives on long held thoughts or beliefs.

These words  – without definitions – have been floating around in my mind as I consider the state of the country I live in at this moment.

Authenticity
Conformity
Projection
Responsibility
Fear
Love

I could write so much more about each of these, to offer my perspectives on and my observations and feelings about them. However, I wish to leave the door between us for conversation to be open without my perspectives to filter them.

I do wish to offer that fear keeps us from engaging with others in a variety of ways. So I hope you will trust yourself and me enough to offer your thoughtful perspectives on any or all of these. I feel that if we hold hands as we cross the deep chasm that seems to divide us from ourselves and us from each other, we will make it to the other side – more fully ourselves – open hearts, open arms and open minds.

Thank you for being here.

Sending my love to each of you, wherever you may be, in this new year.

Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.

 – Paramahansa Yogananda

 

wondering as I wander

These past weeks have seemed to be a void of much of anything for me. Writing, reading…have seemed elusive. I have not slept as well and at times have had some interesting dreams that I reflect upon the meaning of. Even as I have been present in this void, I have had moments in which I felt there was a dark veil between Spirit (God) and me. And even then, I have been aware of that awesome loving presence in my life. I have often felt I was living and experiencing a dichotomous existence, at times. I have grounded myself in my beliefs and in the interactions of those closest to me. Now, the veil feels more like protection than separation. This period has been steeped in reflection and contemplation.

Slowly and intermittently, I have found moments when writing has been soothing. Most recently, I wrote about a few things that I have been wondering about. My wondering represents a bit of wandering around various topics – borne of experiences and observations of self and others. Perhaps the contemplation of these is in part the way through this seemingly and sometimes dark “void”.

These are my recent wonderings…as I wander into contemplating both the complexity and simplicity of each.

  • Masculine and Feminine energy in all of us; how we balance (or not) this energy in our various activities, roles and day-to-day interactions. How we become conscious of these and awaken to love.
  • How to support others in the beginning moment of seeing themselves as valued and valuable – as an important step into the essential healing process that life offers.
  • Patience with our individual processes. Growth, healing and evolution cannot be timed or rushed, pushed or hurried along. Our lives unfold in each moment. Our thoughts influence the quality of those moments.
  • The myriad ways we wear armor to protect our broken hearts, all the while keeping (or unconsciously pushing away) the very intimacy (in-to-me-see) we seek at a distance. This intimacy requires us to open our hearts, to be vulnerable. It takes courage to take off the armor, to risk love – at and from the deepest part of ourselves.
  • The myths of perfection and control. Perfection isn’t attainable and we do not have control. Control has us.
  • The courage of speaking out or up – about abuses – of power, inappropriate actions and behaviors. Supporting those who courageously stand, as they honor their commitments (oaths), even in the face of scrutiny by those who may not know or even wish to understand, while also enduring personal threats and harassment.
  • The inspiration that opens me to write or prevents my desire to pick up my pen or to compose a post for my blog. It seems to wax and wane.

These wonderings give way to others as I wander.

Feelings. Thoughts. Questions. Curiosities. Reconciliation. Resolution. Contemplation.

What we plant in the soil of contemplation, we shall reap in the harvest of action.

-Meister Eckhart

 

inner peace

What are you not doing that is somehow contributing to discomfort in your being…right now?

We hear…all of the time. Hearing isn’t listening…or not the listening to which I am referring.

I’m not speaking of the day-to-day noises from the myriad sources in the spaces and places we happen to be. I am speaking of the voice in our heart or from God, Universe, Spirit or whatever you use in reference to the energy that is greater than us, of which we are all a part. I am not speaking of the voice in the head – often referred to as the ego – which can feel like a secondary being within. I am speaking of the tender voice which inquires, guides or offers loving, supportive messages which are always there for us – if we slow down enough (deep breathing helps) to hear what is being offered.

“When you recognise that there is a voice in your head that pretends to be you and never stops speaking, you are awakening out of your unconscious identification with the stream of thinking.”
 – Eckhart Tolle

These last few weeks have been very challenging on multiple fronts and I am reminded in many moments that inner peace is mine – anytime, anywhere, in any situation if I can simply remember, accept and allow it to be what guides me rather than reacting to the multiple stimuli that feel pervasive lately.

The news headlines are very distracting and upsetting these days. The darkness feels intense and I know it will be a while before we collectively walk out of it by walking through it. The feeling that I must “DO” something is pretty intense at times, and yet I know that returning to my “BE-ing” is my greatest and healthiest contribution to the whole at this moment. Reminding myself of who I am, and all of the good that is everywhere on the planet is a much brighter way through the seemingly overwhelming (at times) darkness. AND…it is my inner peace which can be so intensely challenged.

My old friend, depression, often lurks these days, and I embrace it and tell it that I am fine. I remember who I am…and I am NOT separated from LOVE, God, Spirit, etc. I am a part of it. My old friend then seems to disappear. I was once reminded that embracing that which we most fear will encourage its departure much sooner. I believe it. I know that ignoring it only encourages it to take up residence, again.

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

– Pema Chodron

These are challenging times. Many are hurting and many innocents are leaving the planet for reasons not easy to understand. We’ve all chosen to be here at this time, even if we don’t believe that. We each make different contributions at this extremely challenging and very important time. The choices we make, the feelings that we have, the actions that we take, make all of the difference in the collective path forward. Creating, cultivating and maintaining inner peace is one the of the most important contributions we make to stabilizing the ship which seems to be rocking uncontrollably in the tempest of our divisions.

The recent death of Elijah Cummings was a surprise. I have previously mentioned in this space that I lived in an area which was included in his district for a number of years. A man of integrity and principle, he faced some intense criticism in recent months. His humanity was never lost to the vitriolic exchanges which have become commonplace in the public discourse. Many quotes are attributed to him and there is one that really stood out for me when I read it last week. “Our children are the living messages we send to a future we will never see. Will we rob them of their destiny? Will we rob them of their dreams? No – we will not do that.” Creating, cultivating and maintaining inner peace is one the of the most important contributions we make to stabilizing the ship which seems to be rocking uncontrollably in the tempest of our divisions. For the future of our children and grandchildren, stabilizing the ship is paramount.

“How do I get there,” you may wonder. By first turning away from the distractions and tuning into yourself, you take an important first step. Whether is it busy-ness (also known as overdoing-ness), keeping a constant focus on electronic devices and the multiple apps (especially social media apps) you may have on it; anything that prevents you from being still or quiet – even for a few moments – all conspire to push away the inner spaces which long for your attention. Creating, cultivating and maintaining inner peace is one the of the most important contributions we make to stabilizing the ship which seems to be rocking uncontrollably in the tempest of our divisions. Your soul is calling….

These can be difficult steps to take, especially if you do not already have a practice which brings you back to yourself. Your practice may be journaling; it may be meditation; reading books which inspire the highest and best in us all; walks in nature – while listening to and observing the beauty of the planet; are examples of what can be steps toward enriching the inner life and cultivating that seeming elusive inner peace. Creating, cultivating and maintaining inner peace is one the of the most important contributions we make to stabilizing the ship which seems to be rocking uncontrollably in the tempest of our divisions. We each have the capacity to begin from within.

There are other ways to begin this journey inward as well. I also heard from a fellow blogger through a comment on my previous post about another tool for navigating these tumultuous times, “One thing that helps me is to give light to others.” Meeting people where they are; offering an open and listening heart; offering your light; are all wonderful ways to cultivate and maintain inner peace. There are quite a few compassionate listeners “out there” who, by the simple act of listening and witnessing another, facilitate the clearing of the blocked inner pathways. I am grateful for those in my life who provide this important support and assistance. We are not islands; we do not have to “muscle” through alone; and asking for help is always appropriate, is always right and is an important step back to ourselves.

Remember the entrance to the sanctuary is inside you.

 – Rumi

Let the sun shine from within.

 

sitting in darkness

 

The world feels very dark to me these days. My concerns are many and my feelings…raw. I look at the trees, slowly changing color, and realize that nature in the northern hemisphere is moving through shorter days and longer nights…more darkness. Enjoying the colors makes the transition easier to walk softly through. However, the conditions in many countries, including mine feel dark, deeply divided and deadly. In times like this we often wish to distract ourselves in any way possible or to simply “check out” to avoid the reality of the feelings these times can evoke.

I believe – even though it is challenging for me, too – that as individuals we have an opportunity to dive in. To dive into the darker aspects of our being…to plumb the depths of our psyche, our experiences. This is where we find the opportunity to heal ourselves so that our lights shine brighter. When I find my self in these dark times, I read, write and spend time just being quiet. Some of what I’ve read today has brought some solace and offered a crack into the lighter parts of my psyche by reminding me of my humanness.

One quote from John Lennon and Yoko Ono really resonated as I watch the great divides in my own country seem to widen. “Don’t hate what you don’t understand.” If only we might all slow down to consider that there is so much that we do not understand, and either do some research on our own or pause and allow processes to unfold without our taking sides or otherwise contributing to the hateful slinging of words swirling around us. Indeed, so many feel they are right and others are wrong. And Wayne Dyer’s words ring in my heart…paraphrased here: When you have a choice between being right or to be kind, choose to be kind. This seems out of reach for us when we are so angry or in despair from our own experiences and all we seem to see around us is more of the same.

Healing the hatred that may be simmering is an inside job. It is ours alone – no one else’s – to do. Until and unless we do our work on ourselves, we will find it extremely challenging to offer love, compassion and peace to those whose words and actions are harsh, disparaging and ugly toward others. This IS the work of our lives.

Some us, by nature feel these feelings perhaps a bit more deeply than others – and neither is right or wrong. We are simply different. Honoring our differences is foundational to being able to offer love, compassion and peace to those with whom we differ on perspectives, feelings and beliefs.

With gratitude to Anne Whitaker at Writing From the Twelfth House, I offer the following poem that she shared in her blog post this afternoon.

The Place Where We Are Right

From the place where we are right
flowers will never grow
in the spring.

The place where we are right
is hard and trampled
like a yard.

But doubts and loves
dig up the world
like a mole, a plow.
And a whisper will be heard in the place
where the ruined
house once stood.

– Yehuda Amichai

May we use the changing of seasons –  the natural seasons in whatever part of the world we live in or the storms of the political seasons – to create quiet time to reflect. As we contemplate our own dark feelings and experiences as a path or journey to finding our way back to the brighter light within…of love, we will find peace within. We need this for ourselves. Our fellow humans need this. Our planet needs this. NOW.

revisiting integrity

Two years ago, October 17, 2017,  to be exact, I wrote a relatively brief piece on integrity.  In the last few days, many issues and occurrences in the collective, as well as in the lives of those closest to me, point to the cracks in organizational foundations, seemingly built on integrity. I was instantly reminded of a specific quote that is contained in the aforementioned post from 2017. Please take a moment to read it. It is brief and seems apropos of the days we are in at this moment.

I also offer this – a response to one of those close to me, with whom I shared the quote contained in the blog:

“Usually the ones we want to hear or see will not get the message through the sharing of words or quotes. Like all of us, we have to learn from experience. The best outcome is for the experience to not be a devastating one for all concerned. Best to energetically wish them well as you move on to something even better. You had apparently outgrown this experience.”

We are living in times of great change – in the world and individually within ourselves. We are called to become the very best of who we are, so that we can engage when we felt lead to, and to do so from a place of our most authentic self, centered in our heart of love – which is connected to the All That Is (God, Spirit, Universe or whatever name you give to the powerful loving energy that is in and all around us). We are not called to dive into or otherwise create conflict. We ARE called to bring our best selves to anything we experience in each moment.

We are called to speak our authentic and deep truth with our compassionate hearts. We are called to observe ourselves and our experiences in order to know the wisdom that we inherently have – borne of our experiences – those which we call “good” and those which we call “bad”. All are for the evolution of our souls: the awakening of ourselves, our hearts from the mind controlling. sleepwalking unconsciousness to the empowered awareness of our consciousness, of our collective connection to one another.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

 – Don Miguel Ruiz

 

 

 

the sacred…

…experience of my depression is on my mind as the season is about to change from Summer to Autumn. The Autumnal Equinox arrives on Monday, September 23, at 3:50 AM, EDT.

This used to be a time of darkness for me. Yes, the days get shorter and I used to find this to be a nearly unbearable experience. It is the season of my birth – my arrival on the planet – and it was not a favorite time in my life for most of my life. When I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, after having been in therapy for most of my adult life, I thought I had found the answer to why I felt as I did – for as long I had. What I realized at some point down the road, as I was told by a psychiatrist I respected, I would have to be medicated for the rest of my life. What was interesting as I reflect on it today, was the voice in my head that said after the pronouncement of life-time medication –  “No, no. I am NOT going there.”

Little did I know that hearing a message inside my head – I believe it was the voice of my soul – would be my path to healing. Having heard that message, I can honestly say that I was not committed on a daily basis to doing anything except simply getting through the day. Did the medications help? I guess you could say that they did. I didn’t commit suicide. I use the term medications (plural) because I was taking more than one at the time. The drugs also took my emotions and made a straight line out of them (no up or down feelings), and took my tears completely away. Straight lines and tears just didn’t exist together in my world. Even in the midst of all of this, I managed my multiple roles quite well.

The Autumns and Winters were very difficult. The short days (of sunlight) and the long days of work were at times a rough slog – as if I were trudging through mud with concrete shoes. Januarys were the hardest. I used to drive to South Carolina in February/March because Spring blooming generally started then. I went for the main purpose of seeing and experience some early Spring as a way of taking in some hope that the long Winter season would be ending soon.

I found my tears again at a four-week residential executive leadership program. They came, unexpectedly, during a plenary session on wellness and the speaker read a quote on mindfulness. It was as if my heart cracked open to all that had been held back, behind an emotional dam for more than five years.

Four years later, I started down the road of weaning myself off of the medications.

Having found Parker J. Palmer, who writes so honestly and eloquently about his experience with his depression, I’ve found deeper healing, appreciation for the gift of depression and a full embrace of my life.

“Depression was, indeed, the hand of a friend trying to press me down to ground on which it was safe to stand—the ground of my own truth, my own nature, with its complex mix of limits and gifts, liabilities and assets, darkness and light.”

 – Parker J. Palmer

Because I have embraced the deeper and darker parts of myself – the ongoing journey into my healing – in a place where the seasons are fully expressed and visible in all of nature, I now look forward to the Autumn and Winter with the shorter days, longer nights and opportunities to go inward and be still. This is my true nature. Time for rest, reflection, meditation, writing, creating – all of these – could not occur in those years of busy “doingness”. That is not to say that serving others – my children as a parent and my co-workers as a partner and leader – were not rewarding or “soulful filling.”  Indeed they were! What was missing was the essential balance of what I truly needed for me, from deep within me. I used to say that I didn’t have a creative bone in my body. I defined creativity so narrowly – reserved for those who painted, played instruments or wrote beautiful words in poetry, prose or song – as if what I did every day wasn’t creative. Today, I know differently, and most importantly, I feel differently about all of it.

I do regard my depression as sacred. Finding myself as close to darkness and an unknowable (at the time) end, I found my way to my light. I am clear today that my out of balance Libra nature contributed significantly to this condition of life. By allowing myself to have the time and space necessary to care for myself – all aspects of my life experience – without concern for what anyone else thought or said about it, I learned to create boundaries. My healing answers were there all of the time in the nature which surrounded me and in which I existed then and now.

“Our inward winters take many forms-failure, betrayal, depression, death. But every one of them, in my experience, yields to the same advice: “The winters will drive you crazy
until you learn to get out into them.” Until we enter boldly into the fears we most want to avoid, those fears will dominate our lives. But when we walk directly into them-protected from frostbite by the warm garb of friendship or inner discipline or spiritual guidance-we can learn what they have to teach us. Then we discover once again that the cycle of the seasons is trustworthy and life-giving, even in the most dismaying season of all.”

– Parker J. Palmer

Welcome Autumn!